This morning, haven woken up just before five as I’ve taken to doing lately (but not actually needing to get up until seven, today) I didn’t instantly heave myself out of bed to perform. Instead I lay on, wondering why I find it so hard to practise being kind to myself?
I have to admit I find it confusing, this concept. Not bewildering as in “Why should I?”. I can see the sense, believe me! But I’m confused as to what’s really kind. I suspect the problem lies in thinking with my head rather than my heart. When lying in bed at 5 a.m. and the thought “I could make the most of it and go running” prises its way into my consciousness, is “being kind” then to A) get up and go running, or B) stay in bed? When I want a piece of shortbread with my cuppa, am I kind to myself if I A) have one, or B) don’t have one? When I feel miserable because I feel I’m not getting anywhere in life, is the kindest thing to do to A) tell myself I’m doing all I can and that everything that happens isn’t necessarily visible, or B) tell myself to pull myself together, make a clearer plan and bloody stick to it?
Interestingly, as I look at what I’ve just said, spotting the kind option suddenly seems easy. The running depends on how I feel that particular morning: Am I tired and would benefit from staying in bed, or longing to get out and experience that beautiful early morning peace? The one (1) piece of shortbread can always be a “Yes”, but before automatically going for piece 2, 3 and 4, I’m kind if I take stock of whether I truly want them first. Dealing with the misery depends on the quality of it, just the same as if I was someone else. If it’s whinging, then the advice is “Get a grip”, but if it’s sadness, then the message is “You’re doing all you can. Keep going, and notice all the little things.”
The cause of the confusion is when I am my own harsh, unforgiving authority towering above myself. Then, I threaten myself rather than encourage. I sneer at my feelings instead of listening to them and I dismiss my reactions instead of asking myself if there’s any reason for them. Then, I look at performance rather than pleasure and figures rather than feelings. That’s something I do only too well – but that’s food enough for an entirely different thought entry! Right now, I’d do well to make a big, wall-hanging memo to self:
“Being kind to myself is easy.
First I actually listen to myself – then I lovingly respond.”
Dragonmamp 